Christmas Hell, Casting Hell 3
by Lyonene
Summary: Tis the season and Mark needs a special favor from Santa, mayhem ensues. Third in the Casting Hell series. Does Mark get the special favor from Santa? Or does something bad happen, something like... the three wenches who like to do bad things to him?


_A/N: If you haven't already read the first two Casting Hells, that's fine, this could possibly be a stand-alone, maybe. But if you're kinda going 'okay, what'd I miss?', check out the first two! Since it's Christmas, and I'm in a 'mood', I decided to torture Taker some more, and he loved it. As always, this is a parody of me and my friends, Jaden (MusicChiller20_) _and TakerLuvr (who does not have a profile, hint hint TL). We don't own anything, I own nothing except myself and I'm borrowing the girls. Enjoy!_

Mark Calaway –or Callaway, or 'Taker, it all depended on who was writing him really- could not believe he was doing this. He was standing in line at a mall. He was surrounded by people doing their last minute holiday shopping, but he wasn't one of the shoppers. No.

He had ventured into the mall for a much more serious reason.

He had to speak with the man.

Santa Claus himself.

Urgently.

He was desperate and didn't know where else to turn. Praying to the good Lord above hadn't cut him any slack, neither had offering his soul to the Devil. He had spoken with his boss, shrinks; even his ex-wives (and that hadn't gone over so well), none of them could help.

So he figured if Santa freaking Claus couldn't help him… he might as well find a good stretch of rope and swing.

At least until he was resurrected by his tormentors.

So here he was, standing patiently in line amongst preschool children and their mothers, looking like the definite odd man out but he didn't care. While they stood there in their little corduroy overalls and denim skirts with thick tights and sweaters, he wore a pair of black jeans and a long sleeved forest green thermal shirt. Over that was a thick hooded zip-up, the hood up.

Not that he was doing a good job of hiding himself. He stood closer to the seven foot range then six, he stood out a bit.

When it was finally his turn, he saw the apprehension in Santa's eyes; frowning. He did not want to get off to a bad start with the man who oversaw Christmas.

St. Nick cleared his throat nervously, glancing down at his red velvet covered lap and then back to the giant towering over him. "Well, son, how about-" He grunted when the giant gingerly lowered himself onto his knee.

Mark felt a bit foolish, but he was going to do this properly. He was just thankful he had gone far enough out of the way there was no chance of any of his coworkers seeing them. He ignored the wide eyed cherubs and their disgruntled parents who were staring at him like he had lost his mind.

He hadn't lost it yet, but it was going to happen, any day now.

"Santa," He began seriously, folding his hands neatly across his upper thigh. "I've been pretty good this year, I think. I haven't seriously hurt anybody. I mean, yeah, I did kinda put Randy Orton in the hospital but he was out in a week; nothing major."

Santa swallowed hard.

"And there was the incident with Michelle, I didn't MEAN to hang her from the catwalk… But Santa, if you had ever met her, you'd know why I did it, it just HAPPENED."

Santa cleared his throat nervously.

"But… if you do ONE thing for me this Christmas, I will be a saint for the rest of my life." Mark said solemnly. "I will be the nicest, most decent person you've ever seen. I promise."

Finally, the man in red spoke; sounding grave. "Just what is it you're wanting from me, son?"

"There's these women… They're… they're really horrible, Santa, you have no damn idea." Mark was beginning to lose the polite and cautious tone of voice, desperation sending him back to his natural accent and speech. "They write these damn stories… yeh have no idea… An' the stories, they're usually about me, doin' shit I wouldn't do. Sleeping around with women I wouldn't look at twice, abusin' people, being a cult leader… It's… ruinin' my life, Santa."

"Son, they're just stories."

"No, no, you don't understand! This stuff, REALLY happens, I mean… last Spring, I met two guys from other fandoms who… who were running from these crazy broads, one was a GOBLIN KING, a freakin' GOBLIN king. Santa, I need you to make these women leave me alone, make them stop writin' about me!"

"Alright… what do these women look like?"

But Mark wasn't paying Santa any attention anymore. He was looking around in horror, watching as the children disappeared appeared along with their parents, the shopping mall soon becoming empty.

"I'm sorry Mark." Santa sighed.

Mark looked down at him bewildered. "What?"

"I said I'm sorry, Mark."

"Don't be sorry," Crooned an all too familiar voice sweetly. "You did a great job, Shawn."

"SHAWN? Shawn Michaels?"

'Santa' was squirming the best he could as the piercing green eyes promised a painful death. "Mark, I had too… I didn't have a choice." He groaned, as Mark was now letting all his weight rest on his knee. "Honestly, I didn't!"

"Mark," Lyonene appeared, smiling a bit too sweetly for his liking, wearing a Santa hat set at a jaunty angle. "You should consider yourself lucky, sweet cheeks, I don't write you that much anymore."

"Not Enough!" He shot back at her, gritting his teeth. "I'm a goddamn ghost!"

"Yeah, but I'm the lead!" Shawn protested, groaning again when Mark purposefully shifted. "She's focusin' on me! Have mercy!"

"Besides," Next appeared Jaden, who had tinsel draping from her hair and a grin on her face. "I don't want you at the moment either." She made a gesture with her hand and a resigned Quileute man walked up to stand by her; folding his arms over his chest as he regarded Mark. "I got Mr. Jacob Black here."

"Who?" Both Mark and Shawn asked.

"Twilight fandom." Jacob said, sounding resigned. At the clueless expression adorning both men's faces –and Shawn's was comical as his Santa beard was slipping off- he heaved another sighed. "The vampire and werewolf movie and books?"

"Oohhhh…." They both nodded.

Jaden scowled.

"So…" Mark was hardly daring to hope. "Does this mean… you'll leave me alone?"

He heard more laughter, and footsteps. He knew that was a no when TL appeared, sucking on a candy cane as she surveyed him from laughing eyes. "Oh no sweetie, I still want you."

Lyonene crooked a finger at Shawn. "Come on, sexy boy, I got some mistletoe waiting."

Shawn shoved Mark off his lap and stood up, pulling the red velvet Santa top off and stared down at the pillow on his stomach. Disgustedly, he threw that away.

Jaden and TL both sighed exasperatedly when Ly's eyes glazed over as she stared at Shawn standing there in just the red pants and black boots, his beard and hat now laying discarded on the throne behind him.

"Alright, somebody slap her…"

Jacob looked like he would gladly do the honors, raising a large hand.

"Whoa there, wolvie, paws down." Jaden stopped him, knowing with one good smack he could take her friend's head off, her eyes narrowing when he considered it. "I swear to GOD, I will write you sexing it up with EDWARD!"

He dropped his hand quickly.

Satisfied, she hummed "Jingle Bell Rock" under her breath.

Mark could only watch as Shawn actually walked over to stand by Lyonene, his jaw dropping. "Are you serious?!"

Shawn shrugged; allowing her to snuggle against his arm. "I figure if I just go with it, eventually her attention is going to go back to someone else and she'll leave me alone. That and if I fight it… She'll do bad things to me."

"Like put him in a slash fic with Hunter, and possibly Kevin." Ly cooed.

Shawn shivered. As if there weren't enough of those out there.

"You're all mine, 'Taker." TL clapped her hands together gleefully.

"No…" He began backing away slowly, careful not to make direct eye contact.

"Look, it's Christmas, I promise to play nicely." She offered, holding out her hands as if making a peace pact.

Jake and Shawn glared at him as if to say 'do it or they'll make OUR lives hell'.

Mark wasn't having it though.

Nobody was surprised when he ran for it.

***

"Shame he ran, I mean, I really hate doing this to TL and all…"

"Are you kidding me? She's going to DIE laughing when she sees what we did… Pass me the garland."

"The red or blue?"

"Don't we have gold and silver?"

"Uh… yeah, hold on."

Mark groaned, the headache he was feeling intensifying when he heard Jaden and Lyonene, not even sure he wanted to know what they were talking about. He tried to move, frowning he couldn't. "What the…"

"You're awake!" Lyonene giggled, sounding like the insane woman she was. "Oh good, you're going to LOVE this."

"I'm going to kill… you?" Mark trailed off, trying to look down at himself but found he couldn't. Lyonene and Jaden soon appeared in his line of vision. "What the hell did you two wenches do to me?"

"Well… it took some creative writing," Jaden tapped her chin thoughtfully, a hint of pure evil in her eyes. "But we managed it."

At his confused expression, Ly rolled her eyes. "Ignorant twit…" She muttered. "We managed to twist the fan fiction boundaries a bit more and turned you into a Christmas tree."

"YOU DID WHAT?"

"Just kidding!"

Jaden was hunched over laughing at this point.

"Nah, we tied your ass to the 'stripper' pole."

"Don't ask." Jake said as he carried in a box, the words ORNAMENTS scrawled on it in sloppy writing.

"And then glued some ferns and shit to you."

Which explained the odd scratchy feeling Mark was becoming aware of.

"And now we're decorating." Ly finished, standing on her tiptoes to hang a red Christmas ball from his hair. "Nah… it clashes, pass me the pink one…"

"We have a pink one?" Jaden blinked.

"Uh yeah, don't ask."

"Not going too."

Of all the indignities Mark had suffered at these bitches hands, this had to be the worse. He couldn't even do anything about it, just stand there while they decorated him like he was a damn tree. The worst of it was when they put a lavish, heavy star on top of his head; promising him the glue would wash right out.

"Well…" Shawn said roughly when they were done, obviously trying not to laugh. "That's a… beautiful… tree, ladies."

Even Jake's usually stony face was breaking into a smile.

Mark was going to kill them all. Prison would seem like a nice vacation after this.

"Oh my god!"

Lyonene and Jaden turned to beam happily at TL who stood in the doorway with a hand over her mouth. "Do you like it?" They chirped.

Mark was fairly certain TL's love for him would save him. Fairly certain.

"It's… He's…" TL stammered.

He almost smiled. He was getting down, she was going to explode. She looked ready to cry already.

TL covered her face with her hands. "I can't even…" She peered at him through parted fingers. "I love you two, this is the BEST thing ever…"

His hope deflated like someone had took a pin and popped it.

She walked over to study the 'tree', finally arching an eyebrow. "Is that a tree skirt?"

Shawn had to turn away at this point, his shoulder shaking, laughing quietly.

"Yes." Jaden slapped TL's hand. "And no peeking. You know better, we don't open presents UNTIL Christmas."

Mark got the feeling that tree skirt was wrapped around his waist. When Jake caught his eye and nodded, he KNEW it was.

"Alrighty ladies, I'm done for the night." Ly yawned, stretching her arms over her head before glancing at Shawn, smiling wickedly. "I have mistletoe and candy canes, let's go."

He followed her out of the room, shooting Mark an apologetic look over his shoulder; though he was still grinning.

Jaden tugged Jake's arm around her, leaning against him. "I'm beat too, how bout you?"

"Does it matter?" He asked dryly.

"Not really, if you're not, we'll fix that. Let's go Wolf Boy."

He growled.

"Ah ah ah… Remember Edward."

Mark watched them disappear as well, then focused on TL, who still had the dreamy look on her face. She sank to the floor, drawing her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Waiting until they go to bed of course."

"Merry Christmas, J!"

"Merry Christmas, Ly!"

They shouted together: "Merry Christmas, TL!"

She grinned. "Merry Christmas!" And in an undertone added quite evilly, "And to me a good night."

He was in Hell.

Christmas Hell.


End file.
